France!

   I am finally in Agde,after a lot of travelling and all kind of adventures! I missed plains,trains,busses-the normal chess fun :)))
   It was a hell of a rain yesterday,but it's a bit nicer today- I went for a walk to the beach and though it was very windy-I enjoyed it!
   The round will start at 3 pm (local time). I will play against not such a strong opponent today,but with more than 2000 Elo for sure-so got to be focused anyways :)
   I haven't been in France since 2005,when I visited Paris and played some tournaments in Saint-Louis and Belfort. I forgot how funny it is to talk in English and to get replies in French :))) Well,I'm trying to improve my French-but I don't really think that I have a chance :DD
   The conditions are very good so far- I've got a single room and there's internet in here. The food is also very nice- I was surprised yesterday to see at every table at the restaurant some bottles of French wine!
   I don't want to remember the dark sides of my trip-I'll better focus on the nice ones-so here are some photos from my today's walk ;)

Allready have met a friend here-Nastia Savina (yeah-she's the possesor of the red ones :)))

   I will go for lunch in about an hour and then I'll have some rest... I hope that the tournament will start fine for me. I have one round today and one tomorrow-then I have a double round-on 29th Oct,then on 30th I will play the first two rounds of a rapid in the morning ;) I'm gonna' be all in chess!

xoxo from France!

Craving for fame

   I miss you and every little part of me craves for you! Is this feeling familliar to you? You'd better say yes,'cause I won't take "no" as an answer anyways ;)
   And now,as I'm done with the "corny" things-here's another night in the airport... It couldn't go without any events-of course! Every time I have spent a night in the Bucharest's airport I've met interesting people... So,I've been practicing my English for the last one hour and I'm happy to notice that my American accent's back (the one I've got after watching "Californication"-yeah-we all love Hanky :P )
   If not to consider the "super VIP" price of coffee and coke-this night's really cool so far... Marathon chatting on fb, writting posts at 3.48 am- isn't it cool???-it's a part of my normality.
   It's the 1st time in my life when  I've been recognized by a stranger- it's really flattering and I'd lie if I'd tell that I don't feel like I own the world!

Can't wait to get to France!

It's ok to say goodbye,but never tell me "Adios"

   I'm already in the train to Bucharest. It's such a sad feeling the one I get when leaving a place I love... It's the 1st time in a long period when I don't feel like leaving. I have about 8 hours of travelling by train from Timisoara to Bucharest ahead... I used to think that I can't stay in the same place more than two weeks- well,now- I wish it would be possible,but what to do- I need to play chess-it's my drug. I used to think that it's a boring life the one in which you stay in a city and you go to your job every day. I guess I was very wrong- everything depends on the people who surround you.
   Sometimes I wish I would be normal-but normality isn't for me, it's the only thing I never had and I'll never have.
   So,for now, I say goodbye to everyone,though it makes a tear to flow on my cheek, but it's not a tear of sorrow-it's one that says "I'll be back"...
   "Happiness is something that no one achieves, but looking for it is worth running the whole life!"


No "Adios",simply goodbye! :)

The longest semaphore

   This title has been inspired by one taxi driver who told me- "It's the longest semaphore in Timisoara!".
   Today's my last night in this amazing city! I went for a glass of wine with some friends and we've sang the songs of this Romanian band - "Vama Veche"... It's been so cool!
   I will travel to Bucharest tomorrow and I'll go to Toulouse from there (by plain) an then to Agde-by train. I'm going to play an open there. It won't be an easy day,but I have so many things to think about! I've got a lot of memories from here. I have this a bit strange habbit-to buy a silver ring for every worth to remember memory- I've got one "rockish" one from Timisoara!
   There've been promisses and good-byes-they will all stay with me-until the next time...
   Thank you for such an amazing "10 days of my life"!
   I always wanted to end a post with the lyrics of one of my favourite Romanian songs: " Am doar 18 ani,sunt nebun iubesc si..." ("I've got only 18 y.o, I'm crazy,I'm in love and..."

xoxo
 

Black and silver

   I love the darkness of black, it's depth and it's mystery. It's unbelievable how one can get attracted by it, it's the colour that has them all- hatred, pessimism, nervose, envying, sensuality, attraction, sexuality, depressiveness...
   I love the coldness and spark of silver. I've never liked gold- silver has always been my first choice. I like it's purity,it's innocence, it's cold beauty. Having my hands always cold- I wear silver rings-so I'd feel like the queen of ice, one that waits to be melted...

Queen of drama ;)

You're fancy when with me

Rock 4ever!

Sensible princess or  sexy diva?

Retro 

Bugatti ;)

Time to jog!

Friends

   There are friends and FRIENDS. I used to be a very closed person,one who wouldn't let anyone on my own space... It has changed in the last one and a half year. I've understood that chess is not only about training sessions,professionalism and being totally focused during the tournaments. The thing that I've discovered for myself is that chess is also about getting to know people from all other the world, making new friends, going out. If two years ago I wasn't going out at all during tournaments- I was preparing in the evening and then in the morning too, I've found out that it works much better for me if not to look at the pairings the night before, but simply to go to relax after the game, to socialize, to go to bed at 12 or at 1 am, then to wake up at 10 am, to take the breakfast and to prepare from 11 to 12.30... I think it's much better this way-so one can get both playing pro and having some fun.
   I've got to know so many people this way-so many interesting people with whom I've become really good friends in time. There are the funny ones with whom I can laugh until death even after a lost game, there are the "better than me" ones who motivate me to work harder, there are the crazy ones with whom I can party,there are the "on my frequency" ones with whom I can confide, there are the "smartass" ones with whom I can talk about nerdy things and with whom I can argue on such kind of matters as the existance of God, there are the fancy ones with whom I can feel sophisticated,there are the "all in chess" ones with whom I can play blitz until I won't feel my right hand... I can continue more and more...
   The point is that there are no real friends and fake friends-there are simply different kinds of friends-for different situations and mood. I am so happy that I've got them all and I don't regret the 1,5 point that I get less in one tournament per 6 months. I think it's a price worth to be paid!

   Here are the 2 photos from my today's night walk through Timisoara- the city I'm totally in love with and the one that have made a great gift for me- some new Friends!

 

A day for my soul

      It's been such an amazing morning today! The sun was shining when I woke up,a cup of coffee and a sandwich was waiting for me in the kitchen... It's so nice to get these little things. Actually,I think that the little things matter the most in the interhuman relationship. Seeing that coffee,still hot-it warms my soul! Actions matter much more than words. "It all has started from a word" but it keeps going with actions.

   I decided to go out in the center,to enjoy the midday sun with a cup of cappuccino and with a very special book, which I didn't expect to like so much! (you can see it in the picture above "So spoke Zarathustra")

   I've stayed in this veeery nice cafe for about 2 hours- I read,I drank a cappuccino,then some "Earl Grey" with milk, I listened to my ipod then, looked around to the people who were passing by, made some photos, called some friends... I got the strange feeling that I love something,but I have no idea what. I called my mum and I told her "I love you and I miss you so much".

    I think that I'm simply in love with my life!

Too cool for sarcasm? BITE ME!

   Love or passion?(Really???)"Increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, an intence feeling of excitement?-See a doctor! Diagnose: you're in love a fool ." That's what a GOOD friend would tell you. As for me, love is a lot more complex than that (Man,I'm so deep!). There are so many kinds of "love": love as a passionate desire (tell me about it :P), love as the emotional closeness (you know,when u lose ur beloved mobile and u get a panic atack), the platonic love-the one u get after mixing long islands,beer,wine,etc,etc (which defines a "friendship with benefits" relationship), love as a profpounds devotion to something or someone (like the love for chess in my case),or the ideal fairytale of which every stupid little girl dreams- love as a concept that encompasses (can u repeat it,please?) all of those feelings. Because of the love's abstract nature (u know,the last bf who didn't tell he loved u-he also thought so), there have been a lot of discussions about it at all levels (u can call them like this if you prefer :D ) -the most of them reduced to some cliches (like you don't believe in them,huh?), as the Virgil's "Love conquers all" or the Aristotle's "Love means to will the good of another" or the so well known "All you need (but don't get) is love",by Beatles. Love can be seen both as an "absolute value" or a "relative value"(u mean that I can go out either with a begger or with a Bentley?). The philosopher G.Leibniz said that love is "to be delighted by the happiness of another"(now u read philosophy too). It is a bless curse when one's capable of love. It's a bless curse which many don't appreciate. They take it as given. There are a lot of people incapable of love or with an  unlimited capability.- the people with histrionic personality disorder and the ones with narcissism. The biological bassis of love has many aspects itself (yeah,we're all a bunch of animals in fond). If considering it to be an instinctual drive,much like hunger and thirst we can speak about lust (and dogs,cats,cows...) , a feeling that usually don't last more than some weeks (pink sunglasses are not 4ever),or tops-some months. If we speak of the romantic side of attraction,it's when two partners find some things attractive and they pursue it (u mean each other?).This feeling is the one that makes us say "I've fallen in love"(can't go wrong with that!). Actually, it's not love.(FINALLY!) Some recent studies in neuroscience have indicated that the brain of people who fall in love consistently releases a certain set of chemicals,including pheromones, dopamine,serotonin,etc, which produces an effect similar to the amphetamines one, stimulating the brain's pleasure center and leading to such side effects as increased heart rate, loss of sleep and appetite, and an intence feeling of excitement.(like I didn't know that u're all drug addicts) This stage can last about 3 years (until u send me a postcard from cuckoo's nest). I find that that's the main reason why many marriages fall apart in their first stage (that's why they actually happen!),because people get confused,or better said "fooled" by themselves. Since we consider these first 2 stages (lust and attraction) to be temporary (what did u expect-love until death?), the logic conclusion is that there should be some third stage (couldn't think of it by myself) - I see it as the "attachment""pregnant with 3 children thing"- the feeling that leads to long-termed relationships. Attachment is much deeper, it involves some sort of bonding (like I would disagree :P). This last feeling should lead to marriage and having children (DA-AA! Read upper!). Unfortunately, it's not easy to be objective when you think that you "love"(of course,u're all drugged up with those "-etamines" things. It's even funny when it comes to the situation when a closed to you person tells you "You're wrong,don't hurry"(smartass,huh?) and you tell him to fuck off and to stop envying (good job!). We usually call him after a time saying "I'm sorry,you were soooo right!"(of course,he told u u're an idiot!). In conclusion, we should be happy if we're unable to feel love and we should simply enjoy it (love urself,bro'!). All this analyzing is much of a waste of time (why the fuck have I read it then?),b.Because love's a drug and we stop being rational when feeling it :) Love, attachment, attraction, lust- who cares? As long as you two (or 3,or 4,or 64) enjoy it- it can't be bad!

Love or passion?

   "Increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, an intence feeling of excitement? Diagnose: you're in love." That's what a friend would tell you.

   As for me, love is a lot more complex than that. There are so many kinds of "love": love as a passionate desire, love as the emotional closeness, the platonic love (which defines a friendship relationship), love as a profound devotion to something or someone (like the love for chess in my case),or the ideal fairytale of which every little girl dreams- love as a concept that encompasses all of those feelings. 

   Because of the love's abstract nature, there have been a lot of discussions about it at all levels -the most of them reduced to some cliches, as the Virgil's "Love conquers all" or the Aristotle's "Love means to will the good of another" or the so well known "All you need is love",by Beatles. Love can be seen both as an "absolute value" or a "relative value". The philosopher G.Leibniz said that love is "to be delighted by the happiness of another".  

   It is a bless when one's capable of love. It's a bless which many don't appreciate. They take it as given. There are a lot of people incapable of love or with a limited capability- the people with histrionic personality disorder and the ones with narcissism.

   The biological bassis of love has many aspects itself. If considering it to be an instinctual drive,much like hunger and thirst we can speak about lust, a feeling that usually don't last more than some weeks,or tops-some months.  If we speak of the romantic side of attraction,it's when two partners find something attractive and they pursue it.This  feeling is the one that makes us say "I've fallen in love". Actually, it's not love. Some recent studies in neuroscience have indicated that the brain of people who fall in love consistently releases a certain set of chemicals,including pheromones, dopamine,serotonin,etc, which produces an effect similar to the amphetamines one, stimulating the brain's pleasure center and leading to such side effects as increased heart rate, loss of sleep and appetite, and an intence feeling of excitement. This stage can last about 3 years. I find that that's the main reason why many marriages fall apart in their first stage,because people get confused,or better said "fooled" by themselves. Since we consider these first 2 stages (lust and attraction) to be temporary, the logic conclusion is that there should be some third stage- I see it as the "attachment"- the feeling that leads to long-termed relationships. Attachment is much deeper, it involves some sort of bonding. This last feeling should lead to marriage and having children. 

   Unfortunately, it's not easy to be objective when  you think that you "love". It's even funny when it comes to the situation when a closed to you person tells you "You're wrong,don't hurry" and you tell him to fuck off and to stop envying. We usually call him after a time saying  "I'm sorry,you were soooo right!".

   In conclusion, we should be happy if we're able to feel love and we should simply enjoy it. All this analyzing is much of a waste of time,because love's a drug and we stop being rational when feeling it :)

   Love, attachment, attraction, lust- who cares? As long as you two enjoy it- it can't be bad!

I ❤ Timisoara

   I've been in Timisoara since Monday. It's been an amazing week- a week when I fell in love with Timisoara! It's a very beautiful city-I think that it's the most cozy and elegant one in Romania. It has this "coquette" air which makes one feel very special and in the right place. Being in the West of Romania-it reminds me of a small Wien! People are also a bit different than in the Center and in the South of the country-they are not that stressed and they're more polite and positive. Well, I also feel very good here because I'm staying with people who love me and whom I love- my aunt and uncle (Mariana & Adrian) and my stunning cousin- Maria-Alexandra.
   I went out the last 2 nights with some friends and it's been really fun! We went to some rockish pub and we talked,sang,danced!

   I understand now why people from Timisoara go out more often than others-because it's really cool to go out in such a wonderful city!

"Piata Unirii" seen by my Nokia mobile :)

   So, I'm absolutely in love with this city and with the people from here! If I could choose where to live (and I actually CAN!!!) I would definetely choose Timisoara!

xoxo from Timisoara!

My Ego,nice to meet you too!

    The "ego" matter has always been very interesting for me.

    I was acused to be too arrogant, too unconfident, too talkative, antisocial and the list can go on. It was mostly surprising to find out all these things about myself and I somehow tried to defend,telling them that they're wrong, but I've understood that they're not, it's the way I serve myself to different kind of people. I want to seem very confident with someone and I end up being arrogant, I want to seem cool with others and I end up being too talkative, I want to make someone to be interested in me and I'm tagged as "antisocial", I don't want to seem arrogant and they call me unconfident... My ego used to suffer from this. I felt like no one liked me the way I was,but how could they if they didn't know the real me- a bit arrogant,but very sensible, very social,but with some "trust" issues, very carrying-but never adimitting this,determined but in the same time a bit lazy, passionate but poker-faced... It's actually a little scary to put it all here,but why not? Those who don't like what's written up there won't have to guess if it's true or not,I will not have to act like I'm "the girl". I hate hypocrisy the most of all! Why to act in a way with someone,in other way with someone else?Because you want to end up not knowing who you really are? We should step on our "ego's" time to time and admit that we're far from being perfect-which doesn't make us  less-appealing persons. Being far from  perfection and still having so many persons discussing you only shows your potential. Would it be interesting if we would all be perfect? What would we strive to? 

   That's why my Ego won't suffer anymore if one calls me arrogant,bitchy,unscrupulous or so on, it would be under the ground if I would call myself this way.

Shine on you crazy diamond!

   Why to try being someone else than yourself? I seem to have found the answer-because being yourself is very dangerous nowadays-people use to hurt... Circumstances can hurt... One second in a wrong place,in the wrong moment can take one's serenity away for an undefined time... The most funny thing about this is that you still blame yourself for this,not the one who took it away from you. It's actually a "great" technique-to hurt someone and to make him feel guilty for it... When people know too much about you,they start using it against you. A sun gives warm and light,but in the same time-it outshines everything... Many prefer to have a lifetime of cold and darkness. The problem is that it's not their call. Clouds come and they pass- the sun is forever.
   One can hide a diamond but he can never break it.

Why to be better?

   I've noticed that a lot of people don't even try to be better- I mean that they like their averageness. They can even be talented in something but in the same time they're too lazy to work. For example the children who are talented in chess and who win a lot of tournaments from a very young age- they become used to receiving everything without any efforts and usually they are outgrown by the not so talented ones but who work systematically.
   There's also another category- the ones who work vey hard at the begining, but once some success is achieved,they stop working, considering that they've done enough. This kind of people don't want to excel,they simply want to enjoy their lives,to do what they like, and to make a living from it. I don't understand how is it possible to be thanked with being average. When I see how Judit Polgar or Hou Yifan play I feel like I'm a big zero and I want to work more and more,in order to be able to show the same quality of games as they do. The problem is that I don't know exactly what to do,what to work on and how... I try one way,then another one...
   Like Nietzsche said: "There's no sense to live if you're not trying to become a Superhuman". He was very radical in his opinions,he was a convinced atheist,so his opinion was that we should try to achieve our best in this life,because there will be no other chance. His philosophy was based on the fact that a man should go through 3 phases of transformation- the cammel one,the lion one and the child one. The cammel would endure many things,walking on through the dessert no matter what,after this,one should become a lion, an agressive,fearless predator who would be aware of his power and who would fight anyone who'd stand in his way to greatness,once one has become fearless,it woud be the time for the 3rd transformation-the one into a child-an inoccent creature full of natural wisdom and creativity... I like his point of view, even if I believe that there should be something after death...
    I hope that I won't lose the strive to become better even if I will be average my whole life! :)

Happy Birthday,Chisinau!

   It is a big celebration in my hometowm- Chisinau- today.It's the so called "Hramul Orasului"- Chisinau is 576 years today!
   I have a lot of memories linked to Chisinau, as I grew up there. I was born there, I made my frist steps, I went to school, made my first friends, started to play chess-all in Chisinau. Every time I go to Chisinau I feel like I'm at home,well,I actually am :)) I have just skyped with my sister and she told me that mum is cooking some big dinner,as all the familly will be together tonight,well- almost all.
   I moved to Romania at the beginning of 2010,in Januray and I've become very independent and even a bit selfish since then. I guess it's an effect of living all by myself. First, I used to go home very often,but afterwards it became more rare. The problem was that I got used to be my own boss- to do whatever I want and whenever I want, but when I go home, my parents still see me as their little girl, I guess that's why my stays in Chisinau are not so long and often. Moreover, my life is in Romania now- I've got my university here, my friends...
   Anyways, it's nice to remember time to time the years I spent in Chisinau. I remember the weekends I used to spend with my very good friend- Diana- when we were children- we used to wake up at 5 am then we'd go for jogging and when copletely wasted- we'd sit for some green tea and talk all the day long-making plans for the next tournaments,dreaming how we'd play in the national team ,until our parents would start worrying...
   I also remember how my sister-Elena- and I used to go in the huge park near to our house and we were walking and exploring- a lot of my shoes went there on their last road ;)
   I remember the hours I used to spend with my mum solving chess positions, I would become nervous when not finding the solution,but I still didn't want her to tell it to me,I was so stubborn that sometimes I could stay for 2 hours to think until I would finally find the solution.
   I remember the walks my grandpa used to take me to when I was 7-9 years old... He would tell me long stories from his life and not only, we were discussing about every little thing in the world!
   I remember the piano lessons I loved sooo much. I had a very nice teacher and when it would be so cold that my fingers couldn't run on the piano's keyboard,he'd start tickling me until I was ready to go back to practicing.
   I remember how my granny used to bake all kind of delicious things for Easter! She still laughs at me because  I was picking only the cheese and the raisins I would find in the cake,not eating the rest of it.
   I am sincerely surprised of how many beautiful memories are comming to my mind,I used to think only about the bad ones...
   Eh, now I start missing home!

My sister in the park!

Love you,Chisinau!

Morning,sunshine!

   My day has started awesome today! Though I slept only 5 hours, I woke up in very good spirits! I went to the University and after 2 hours of Introduction in Microeconomics- I decided to skip the rest :))) It felt really good to walk out of the building and not to have  to listen to the proffessor who was reading right from the course-book.
   I took a bus home, but decided to enter a book shop first ( I took a coffee to go on the way there) and I got lost for about an hour! It's such a nice feeling to go through the shop,to look at different books,to carefully choose which one to buy... At the end,I took 3 books- Ch.Dickens "A tale of two cities", Vl.Nabokov "King, Queen, Knave" and Nietzsche's " So spoke Zarathustra". I'm really curious about the last book,many say Nietzsche's a great philosopher, so I can't wait to check it on my own! I've spent a quite big ammount of money on them, but I think that investing money in yourself- esspecially in your knowledge-can't be bad at all.
   Wish you all a nice day- I'll go for my Nietzsche book! :)

First day at the University!

   Today was my first day at the University! I was so,so nervous about it that I woke up too early and drank two big cups of coffee... I had no idea how it would be like and I was afraid no one would talk to me... It was a big relief when getting into the building and hearing some "Hey,are you here for Economics?". This was how I met my first mate-Cristina. We looked together for the classroom and sitted next to each other then. We had 6 (!!!) hours of Maths applied in Economics today! I forgot the feeling you get from sitting in a classroom from 8 am to 2 pm, listening to a proffessor who can't care less about you. Well,I should give him some credit for his sense of humour- though I somehow doubt his teaching skills ( or maybe I should doubt my learning ones?). The math I did today resumed to "Two hours have passed-it means 1/3,2/3 to go-ohhh,it means twice as until now!". To make it even better- I caught a cold and I was sneezzing every 10 minutes- I guess I tried to be a "constant"... "x" was my nose and "y" the number of times I made weird sounds with it-please calculate x+y! When it all somehow finished, I went happily outside and a furious rain met me there. I didn't have any umbrella with me-of course- who's reading the weather forecast nowadays? The only solution I found was to use my leather bag as a cover and to run to the taxi station,what I successfully did. I sat in a taxi-when the driver told me "I'm waiting for someone else here,miss!". Damn it! I got out and took the next cab,this time asking first if he was free. With some good luck I got to the cafe where a friend was waiting for me and tried to calm down while drinking a cappuccino...
   I hope my next getting into the "Uni life" will be more successful.
   As for now, I should definetely watch some horror movie- for cheering me up...

Apetite for loneliness

   I am a person who doesn't mind being lonely, I even enjoy it. I don't know how it comes, but I really like having my own space-a space only for myself and my thoughts (well,there's surely some space for coffee too ;)) I like sitting with my headphones on,with a cup of tea or coffee and thinking of different things... I'm not really the "pack" kind, though I'm not an introvertite person either.

   Loneliness- it can both kill and inspire. I know there are persons who simply can't stand being alone, usually these persons are afraid to be left face to face with their thoughts and conscience,so they preffer to go out, to have company all the time. I'm not saying that it's better to face your conscience daily, I think I'd become like Hesse's main character from  "Steppenwolf" if so- on the edge of lossing my desire to live.

   On the other hand, people who'd rather be alone than go out with friends are usually being tagged as "antisocial", "weird", "crazy"... It might sound somehow narcissistic,but there are times when you prefer your own company than the one of some friend. 

   When being alone, one can understand himself better and it can lead to some revelations. One can understand what he makes wrong and what he's got to do in order to achieve what he wants. It's the basic principle of many religions- one should go away from the world in order to understand it better.

   The conclusion is not to be afraid to be left alone- maybe, in time, you'll thank the persons who did it ;)

Looking for the summer

   It has been really cold lately-raining again and again... I think of how much I miss summer. So,I decided to look through this summer's pictures and to try to steal a little warmth from them :)

With Iva Videnova in Golden Sands,Bulgaria,June 

Bucharest,June

Romanian Rapid Club Cup,Bucharest,June

July in Barcelona,at the Montjuic Castle

With Inna Inakhinova in Barberea del Valles,July

Enjoying the Italian sun-July

With my team at the Turkish League,Konya,July

With my very good friends-Dominyka Batkovskyte,Zoi Iordanidou and Katerina Pavlidou in Athens,August

   A long winter is ahead,but I'm already looking forward for the next summer ;)