Love Struck

Inspiration struck me in an unusual location today- a hotel’s lobby.

I’ve got a few hours to kill before my flight and even though the sun is shining bright in Cannes, making the weather perfect for a stroll, the numb headache I got this morning preferred staying in. If you wonder what am I doing here, well, the answer rarely changes- chess of course- played some games for my French team over the weekend. They might serve as the headache’s cause, but the story I want to tell you today is about something else.

I had an unusual experience recently while reading a chess book. The book was an autobiography by someone I know quite well and because I had read many of his previous books, which I liked, I thought it would be an interesting read. It was indeed, even though I was familiar with many of the stories and games. What I was surprised by was that I got this intense feeling that I love chess with all my heart while reading it- twice! I can’t recall it happening to me before in such circumstances.

The first time I got it, I was reading a passage where a tournament situation was described. Some games going wrong- the author wondering what to do to improve his position in the tournament. How many times I was in the same shoes? There were so many, that it’s even hard to count. I have the strong feeling that normal people get negative emotions when in such situations and even recalling them provokes unpleasant thoughts. So why the intense love feeling? I always suspected normality not to be my strong point, but really- getting ‘high’ from the author’s struggles which were also mine so many times? I have a theory. Perhaps my brain has developed a superpower- the power to find positive things even when bad stuff happens. I am not sure if to feel sorry for myself- for landing in bad situations so often that I adapted, or to feel proud for being able to get up after each and every kick Caissa sends in my direction.

This life- the life of a professional chess player, which I complain about so many times, but still love with all my heart is full of falling apart and then putting yourself back together. That’s the essence of it. Every time you rearrange the pieces in a new way- sometimes losing a piece, other times- finding a new one. I suspect that many of my colleagues feel the same way, but I have never read someone sharing it in such a frank manner before.

I love chess in all its aspects. I love to win mostly, but I love it even when I lose. It’s not because of some masochistic inclinations- though I wouldn’t totally exclude this possibility. I think the reason is that every loss or disappointment, not only makes the wins taste sweeter, but they also give me the opportunity to reevaluate myself and what surrounds me. It is easier to get rid of something you don’t like after a loss- you don’t hesitate, being afraid that it might have been the secret ingredient to your success.

If I was to reassemble myself now, first thing that I’d lose would be this annoying headache. Jokes apart, I am grateful to this book for showing me that my love for the game has broadened!

At the beginning of this week, I wish you courage- don’t be afraid to lose a piece or two of yourself from time to time! As in chess, in life you also need to sometimes sacrifice a few pieces in order to win the game.