Saturday 10 August 2019

The Struggles of a Chess Player

Do you know that feeling when nothing goes the way you planned, you try to cut on the losses at least but things keep going wrong? I have the feeling that we all know what I’m talking about, especially the chess players.

I was complaining to a friend about this situation yesterday and among other things, I said that with every year and with every other hour spent over the chess board the losses become more and more painful. That feeling of “How is that even possible after so much training or analyzing this f* variation?” or “How could my brain produce this nonsense?” pushes you to the verge. I sometimes feel I might lose my self-control after yet another painful loss… It is also about the lack of a balance- the wins are taken as granted, it’s not the same magnitude of emotions. I won and won, of course it is ‘normal’, why be so happy about it? But the most interesting thing is that I am much more optimistic than ever anyway. It might sound like a contradiction, but despite the immediate desperation I get after a lost game, if I manage to ‘survive’ it, I wake up the next day with a total belief that it was just an accident, I’m awesome and I will totally win the next game.

 It is quite strange that I have developed this philosophical approach to losses- “I will learn from this mistake and become stronger” but only when the first emotions pass. My dream is to overcome these as well. I would probably be very proud of myself if I could manage it. But how? How to fool your brain that you don’t care he’s ‘dumby dumb’ from time to time?

Writing this I have just had a revelation. What if the brain craves for these adrenaline rushes and emotions it gets after a loss? What if this is the reason behind all the unexplainable mistakes? Maybe the problem is that I don’t ‘motivate’ it enough to win? Hm… Will have to come to this thought again.

As for now, I have survived yesterday’s loss, I am as stupidly optimistic as ever and I am ready to take whatever outcome today’s game will bring, though I’m absolutely sure I’m fantastic and I’m going to win))))