Playlists, dehydration and ghosts

The traditional airplane blogging continues in 2024 as well.

Three more hours to kill, eyes hurting from reading too many chess pages on the phone. It feels nice to reignite a passion. Curious what I was reading? I’ll give you a clue- a book which has a whole lot of pages and shares secrets of a recent world chess champion. 

An unpleasant form of dehydration probably caused by caffeine over consumption- now that’s an actual complain. However, there’s not much I can do about it, as when in this country I can’t resist ordering too many cups of my favourite energizer. Another sip of water and another clue. Which country am I returning from?

New music in my old headphones and thoughts which jump from one subject to another faster than my finger hits the ‘next song’ button. Why finding new songs to like is such a complicated task? I was rather excited when, not so long ago, I discovered a cool bar with great atmosphere, wine, food, people, playlist (I’m thinking that I should have rather not used ‘rather’ earlier, but why not confuse you a bit more?). So the bar, right- the bartender, who was also the waiter and the owner of the place turned out to be an enthusiastic playlist creator which he happily shares with random desperate souls. Since then, my newest occupation has been listening to that 996 songs playlist, trying to perfect my own 664 one. I don’t think 664 is a coincidence and I’m very reluctant right now to hitting the ‘add to the playlist’ button even though I kind of like this ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’ thing… Decisions, decisions.

What would be a chess player’s paradise? A place with countless chess books. Strong computers. World champions as training partners. A place where invitations to great tournaments would come every other day. Where there’s a button to push whenever you want to switch the dreamy mountain view working desk to the ocean view one. Oh, or maybe it’s the place where men always complain there are too many chess tournaments with high prizes for women. Hm… Is it reality or paradise, or part reality, part paradise- I got confused. Blame the next song in the barman’s playlist for this line of thoughts- ‘Girl, you’ll be a woman soon’. Now if that made you feel somewhat uncomfortable, unhappy or any other ‘un-’, sorry, that wasn’t my intention, was it? Anyways, let me make it up to you. The next song in the barman’s playlist is ‘Great balls of fire’. 

Now back to the clues on books and places. I’ve changed my mind, even though there’s been no ‘Winds of change’ so far in the playlist.

Let’s start a different subject.

2024- a new year, one which will bring new, exciting things. Hm… In which way? New tournaments, new experiences, new places perhaps. Would it be so bad if they would be just the same old ones? Or maybe the old ones before the old ones?

On a more serious note, my sketch for this year’s calendar is more or less ready. There are some new tournaments, some new places, but no new countries so far. A bit disappointing.

‘Running from the ghost’ starts playing in my headphones. Is it a metaphor, a sign? To what? Have I been running? Who’s the ghost? Where to run from it? Maybe to a country I’ve never been to before.

Looks like I have enough food for thought for my remaining flight time and typing with my eyes semi-closed while trying to coordinate it with constantly hitting the ‘next song’ button is not as easy as I thought.

Cheers to a new year with good playlists, fewer dehydration issues, new paradises and no more running from ghosts.

 

 

Spätburgunder Writing

A late Sunday night flight from the Women’s Chess Bundesliga and I have suddenly felt like reviving this blog again.

Have taken my shoes off, something I don’t do often and I really hope it’s not only me who’s had a long day and stopped paying attention to things other than the music in the headphones and the newly created database with a new opening idea I plan to dwell on after I finish with this writing.

(Photo by Thomas Marschner)

Right, so the weekend has been a successful one- 2 team wins and 2 individual ones. I am quite content with my play, but that’s not the highlight of this weekend.

I had a dream last night. Mostly, I dream family and chess related stuff. This one was a very realistic one. I won the World Cup among women and it felt so real that I can still almost believe it. The joy was huge, but not lasting. I felt I won, but nothing really changed. Funnily, I was kind of trying to convince myself about the importance of the achieved- “You’ve got the GM title”, “You’ve qualified for the Candidates”, they all sounded cool, but I still felt empty. I saw people around congratulating me, even saw Magnus- the winner of the overall World Cup celebrating it. It felt very real but not fulfilling. I was surprised, not by winning- by the way I felt after it. Was it not what I wanted the most?

7:30 am. Time to wake up and get ready to play some real chess. The game was tough and the match- not easy either, but I pulled off some good moves and won, as the team also did. I could still not shake off the emptiness feeling I got after my dream.

A 2h30m drive to the airport and there I was, sharing dinner and chatting with my best friend, who is luckily also my teammate in more than just Bundesliga. The emptiness had slowly started to go away, but I am now left even more clueless than ever.

What is it that really makes me happy? It appears it’s not chess results only, as I had always believed. It is good people, straight-forward people, who are not considering twice before speaking their minds. I have realised that I’ve come to a point in my life when I can do really well the polite talking about nothing thing, but I really don’t want to invest time and energy into it. Being 1st in anything in your country comes with certain responsibilities and it might sound like something one really can’t complain about. I don’t. I won’t.

What do I want? I want to speak my soul out, play chess and be surrounded by true people, at least sometimes.

Have booked a mountain house in the middle of nowhere as a vacation after the tournaments season will be over and that is something I really look forward to. I’ve been longing for it for far too long and I actually secretly hope I won’t like it, though my dreams keep reminding me of how blessed I’d be to wake up with the view of the ocean, surrounded by forest, no phone signal, no need of polite talks and just the real me. Something to enjoy or to fear?

Taking a sip of very dry wine, laying back on my economy seat and diving into the blues in my headphones, I just remind myself that there’s one life and it would be a pity to spend even a split second of it away from that forest house if that’s what I don’t even dare to dream of.

Sweet dreams and a successful week!

Silence, Hypocrisy and Disgust

Today's post will be about something which has been bothering me for quite a while already. I have been trying to convince myself that I shouldn't write it, that it's not my business, that I'll possibly lose opportunities and invitations to tournaments because of it, but I simply can't keep silencing this voice inside my head.

It is about the situation in women's chess, the war between Russia and Ukraine, FIDE and top women players.

To start with the beginning, I have been thinking a lot on which is my position towards players from Russia competing on the international arena since the war between Russia and Ukraine has begun and I have come to the conclusion that as long as they are playing under a neutral flag- I don't have a problem with that. Some say that there should be a sort of anti-war declaration signed by them but my views are not as polarized because I've realized that there might be situations where it can be dangerous for one's life, their families or loved ones and not everyone is ready to take these risks. I have tried to imagine myself in this situation and I've understood that there might be circumstances under which I might have also stayed silent.

However, in my view, there is a big difference between staying silent and participating in tournaments organized by recognized war instigators (to put it mildly) like Sergey Karjakin. These tournaments looked very much like war propaganda events and it saddened me a lot to see players whom I previously respected or even admired participating there. To my knowledge, there where two such tournaments which were covered extensively by the Russian media and which makes it very easy to access information and photos from these events just by entering some key words in any searching engine. For example, here is a link to a press release from the official site of one of the events: https://chessstars.ru/press-release .

Here, I will speak only about the women players who participated there. They are: World #4 Aleksandra Goryachkina, World #6 Kateryna Lagno- both from Russia and World #21 Bibisara Assaubayeva from Kazakhstan- all very strong and accomplished chess players who are well known in the chess world. 

I am not sure what was the message they wanted to send to their fans by participating there, getting photographed smiling next to Sergey Karjakin and shaking hands with him. What I understood was that they endorse in one way or another Karjakin's activity. It shocked me and the more I thought on it- the more it kept upsetting me. 

I expected the same reaction from most of my colleagues and they indeed felt the same way when we discussed it privately. 

Like it or not- it is the right of each individual to choose for themselves and it looked to me like those players did.

However, I was utterly surprised when FIDE (the International Chess Federation) not only allowed those players to participate in official FIDE events like the World Rapid & Blitz Championships and the Women's FIDE Grand Prix and the FIDE Women's Candidates but also promoted those players as personalities and models for the youngsters to look up to.

Later, the Ukrainian Muzychuk sisters withdrew from the FIDE Women's Grand Prix tournaments so that the same players could play and even the location of the last leg of the FIDE Women's Grand Prix was changed last minute from Poland to Cyprus in order to accommodate the same players who participated in the "Karjakin tournaments".

What conclusion should these things make one draw?

My conclusion was that FIDE has no problem with any of the upper mentioned facts. Is it ignorance or hypocrisy or something else? Every official in FIDE who had any involvement in these decisions knows better.

"Sport is out of politics." That's the main argument which Russian sportsmen, officials and fans use when some countries deny the participation of Russian athletes in their events. I can see why one would say that. If that is the case, how participating in tournaments organized by war instigators and smiling alongside them, shaking hands with them is in any way "out of politics"? Perhaps the FIDE officials have an answer for that too.

Photo source: https://twitter.com/PHChess/status/1662405612074926080

Photo of the "Chess Stars 2022" participants, held in Moscow- 29 Sept -5 Oct 2022

As for me, I am disgusted every time I read any news about those players, about FIDE promoting their images as those of great personalities and sportspeople and last, but not least, I am disgusted by the silence of most of my colleagues and about my being silent about it up until now.

I believe that by ignoring all of these- we are a part of it too, and honestly- I don't like what I see in the mirror after all these months of silence.

For those of you who feel the same way- is this really the community you want to be a part of?

What would be the solution? I am not a lawyer- I expected FIDE to have a solution by now and I am deeply disheartened that it's not the case. 

I want to continue playing and promoting chess but it has become very difficult to do so when the situation is the one I've described. I have a hard time finding reasons to keep being a part of FIDE and the chess world under these circumstances. What about you?

Do you think that what FIDE is doing is right?

Make God laugh hard

It is a gloomy day in Bucharest but a sunny one in my heart. Why? For no particular reason, it just feels good to be home and be able to focus on what I choose to.

This year is going to be special and that's not just because I will turn 30, but because I feel ready to move to a new level. I have grown to enjoy chess in a different way than I did before. It's not only a won game or tournament what motivates me and makes me happy these days. It is that twitch of surprise when finding a beautiful move or idea which makes the dopamine rush into the brain! Does it mean I have become addicted to finding beautiful moves? I wish. 

The chess scene is changing fast these days and it is so easy to sort of just go with the flow that I have to constantly remind myself about the things I want for myself even though it sometimes means swimming upstream.

I am happy with where I am now and I have a clear picture in my head with where I want to be in a few years. Will it make the journey easier? It remains to be seen. Do you know how they say that it's not the final destination but the journey towards it which is important? Perhaps I have started to understand a bit better what my journey is about, as about the final destination- people make plans and God laughs, right? 

 I hope that my biggest worry in 2023 will be choosing a resolution from "Make God laugh" and "Make God laugh hard".

I wish you all a peaceful Sunday and a year full of laughs!

Summer Night Thoughts

Bydgoszcz, Poland

It is late evening in Poland.

Have been playing a women's round robin tournament for the last week in a city I've never heard of before- Bydgoszcz. It's a little but nice, clean and green city. Have been surprised to hear a lot of different languages while walking around the centre.

It has been impossibly hot in the last few days and it's been a challenge to just move around from the hotel to the playing hall and back. The results are fine so far- 1 win, 5 draws. It is a free day tomorrow and then 3 more rounds to go... It is interesting how all the participants here are very friendly with one another, but once the games begin- chess recognizes no friendship, well, at least women's chess...

Perhaps it is the heat's fault that I felt the need to suddenly resurrect my blog. It's not like I felt I had anything smart or important to say, it is perhaps an urge similar to the one Firouzja felt last night when playing bullet until 6 am. 'Bad' habits die hard. 

A lemonade by my side, which I wish was wine gives me a judgmental look, like I'm the most illogical person on earth. "This blog again! What for?". The nice thing about these kind of conversations is that I can end them whenever I please, with another sip- just like that. Not all the questions in life need to be answered. Alireza doesn't need to say why, we know better anyway. I look at the lemonade and I can almost hear it saying "Discipline. DISCIPLINE." 

I have missed listening to my favorite songs on a dangerously high volume (God bless the headphones!) while just typing whatever crosses my mind. It makes me feel free- like chess does. There are no moves I can't make- there might be a price, I might lose, or win or make a draw, but afterall- it's just a game. "A game which your life is about!"- naughty lemonade... Continuing my line of thoughts, I have recently felt that losing a game is nothing compared to losing your house, your loved ones, your freedom, your rights... 

Luckily we don't have to ask anyone's permission when making a move on the board and in this hot summer night I just want to wish you to look at your lives as at a board where nobody restricts you and there are no prices to be paid but your egos.

"Time to sleep?" For once, the lemonade is right, which doesn't mean I will listen to it or spare it because justice and good reasoning dissolves in the heat of late summer nights. The world acts crazy and it's a disease there are no vaccines against. Luckily, I am a philosopher only when I drink lemonades which I wish were wine. On a regular day, I am Irina- chess player, author, daughter, sister, friend and traveler. 

Cheers to resurrections!

Inside Out

(Photo by David Llada)

Two weeks have passed in no time… Do you know that feeling when it seems that 13 days passed in a heartbeat but, at the same time, it feels that the breath taken to the next heartbeat took years away from you…?

Last month, it seemed that all I could only wish for was coming true! I finally got a so much desired invitation to a Women’s FIDE Grand Prix tournament- it meant I would compete against the strongest ladies in the World! It meant a lot to me- I saw it as sign of recognition for all my efforts of the last years, of my whole life actually… The pandemic was the one to make this happen- some players in the circuit could not make it to Gibraltar and I was asked to replace one of them. The night after I found out about this possibility, I was so excited I could no sleep at all! I remembered reading some months ago that the Gibraltar Festival wouldn’t be taking place because of the pandemic and instead, they would host the last leg of the Women’s Grand Prix and I was thinking to myself “How lucky those players are! How I would wish to be amongst them!”. I didn’t even dare to share this thought with anyone else, so imagine my surprise and excitement when learning I could actually be a part of that!

Even though my participation was under question for quite a long time, I started to prepare for the event. I knew most of the opponents I’d have to play against, with some of them I had played for many times already. I was the 11^th rated player in a field of twelve- I knew it would be a tough run, as much was at stake- 2 spots at the Women’s Candidates were to be disputed among the ‘regulars’ of the circuit. That meant that I could expect big, long fights only. I was fine with that, after all- that was all I wished for too…

(Photo by David Llada)

Looking back to those few weeks which preceded the tournament, I can’t help thinking- what did I do wrong? Of course, I didn’t have the experience of competing in such events and one could expect a so-so performance from me after a quite long, forced break from competing, but why that bad? I mean- if checking my games- I had 3 decisive advantages- one +8, one -13 and one mate in 3 out of which I scored just 0,5p…  It was nothing less than a disaster.

There are a few things I think contributed to this result the most.

One- I had some previous engagements I could not postpone, so I had to try finding a balance between preparing for the tournament and completing those other things so I ended up quite busy those weeks before Gibraltar. I didn’t see it as a problem at the time, as it felt really good to have many things to do after a year of ‘hibernation’ but I might have got to that burnout point without being aware of that…

Two- after having lost the first two rounds- both of them in completely winning positions, I was disappointed and I got into a vicious circle of having bad mood thus bad sleep and prepared too much, worrying and questioning myself on every occasion, unnecessarily tiring my brain even more. It wasn’t something I realized then, because maybe I could do something to change that, but looking back at it- I couldn’t even watch a movie during the whole tournament- all I could think was chess. Who would have thought that’d be a bad thing, right?

(Photo by David Llada)

I am not trying to find excuses, I felt physically fine- I enjoyed a lot the venue and the organization but it seems to me that I just completely lacked the experience of how to deal with these kind of tournaments- all the things which could go wrong chess wise and psychologically, all unfortunately did.

I can’t help feeling disappointed but I also think there’s a bright side to this story- I was brutally pointed out to the things I do wrong, I got to experience this kind of tournament which I dreamed of for years and when there’ll be a next time- I will know what to expect. I also hope that this will be the needed wakeup call before a season full of tournaments- a call to remind me what is really important for me in life and what makes me happy- playing chess!

 

The Old Man's Handshake

Inspiration is not an often guest these days, while being stuck at home once again…

The mechanism of my posts coming to life used to be: play a tournament, come home, rest some days, get on a plane again (preferably on a window seat, with my huge and not so pretty looking headphones on). That was the moment I liked to sketch my posts the most- in those few hours in the air! To get at least a taste of that ‘in the air feeling’ I had to find those dusty headphones, pour myself a glass of Merlot and lay back on the chair… With a little exercise of imagination, I can almost hear the stewardess asking if I want a cheese or ham sandwich. “Chess please, oh cheese I mean, a tomato juice and a glass of dry red wine!”. That was exactly how my trip to Spain started last month.

I know, I was meant to write about my ‘German League’ experiences first, but the on ground inspiration had a different plan, so let it be Spain!

To start with the beginning, I was one of those who has taken every occasion to travel and play chess during this ‘pandemic’ period. Call it risky or not, I felt my health was being damaged more if just staying another few months at home, so when the opportunity came to play in the “Division de Honor” in Linares (!), I didn’t think twice and took it!

I’ve been to Spain only 3 or 4 times before and all were either short stays or so long ago that nearly forgotten (except that tapas bar in La Linea- see the “The Life of a Chess Player” posts for details Link to the post ). Being so excited, I even planned my trip so to arrive 2 days early. When landing in Malaga and coming out of the airport to wait for my bus I was already a happy person! Yes, I was happy to have had 2 different 2h flights, to wait for another 2h for the bus and then to travel for another 5h with it to my destination! If you think that’s sarcasm, just ask the stewardess for a wine refill and think it over!

The Malaga airport is like a dear friend to me, as the only times I used it were on the trips to my beloved Gibraltar tournament. The first thing to do after picking up the suitcase was to order a “cortado” and feel like the luckiest person ever while sipping it!

Linares is a small city in the Andalucía region, but one full of chess tradition. Every chess player knows about it because of the ‘all stars’ tournament used to be held there for many years in a row. My excitement was even higher when realizing I’d be staying at the chess hotel which hosted Kasparov, Karpov, Ivanchuk and all the other ‘legends’! As one of my teammates later noted, “You could be sleeping on the bed Garry did!”. I am not sure this is a thought people usually share, but blame it on the ‘on ground inspiration’…

The tournament started with a surprise. While having lunch with my team, I was told I’d probably face only 2 or 3 women out of the 7 games… I wrongly assumed it was a women’s board I had to play on, but the rules were so that the one lady in the team could actually play on any board. I was not sure if those were good or bad news…

Won the 1^st game vs an IM with some inspired play. In the second round I had the black pieces vs a GM. Confused my lines and got a ‘classical’ worse Rauzer position. I remember thinking during the game how could I get into that position, after playing my whole life exactly how my opponent did… But, I was wearing my fuchsia jacket, I was falling in love with Spain more and more every day and I felt there were no problems I could not cope with! My opponent started playing uninspired, I on the other hand was more precise than ever and got to a winning 3 on 3 pawn endgame. Then, in the hit of the battle, I took my jacket off and spoiled it… Draw. I’m not superstitious, these are just perfectly logical facts.

Later, at dinner, everyone was trying to cheer me up- “It was not so easy!”, “You played really well, it happens”, “Don’t worry!”… Finally, they convinced me it was just an accident and I was joking again. I must say that I always knew that Spanish people were friendly and opened, but the first time I experienced it was in Linares! Even though not all my teammates spoke English, the atmosphere was great every day! We were having all the meals together except breakfast (‘Garry’s bed’ was too good of a companion) and no language barrier could stop us from talking! How many interesting life stories I discovered there! Even after I lost 3 games in a row (all long fighting games vs strong opponents, but anyway- ‘long castling’ is never nice) nothing changed. Well, almost nothing. I remember that evening, at dinner, the team’s captain- a man in his 70s came from the bar with a glass of whisky. Nothing strange so far, until he stopped next to me and offered me the glass saying “The best whisky!”. I knew it was time to start winning again.

The team’s goal was to keep our spot in the League (two clubs out of 8 were going down). We were not doing well and with just 2 rounds to go, our only chance was to win both matches, one vs the lowest rated team and the other one vs one of the strongest…

On the next day I finally won and the score was 5,5-0,5. Step 1 completed! During the dinner after, everyone was calculating who and how should play… I would have had black vs a GM I played once before, many years ago. The captain told me “Draw is fine tomorrow”. I said “OK” and on the next day I played the Najdorf. Had a fine game and won in style! The team won 4-2 and we kept our spot in the “Division de Honor” (always liked how it’s called!) !

At the final dinner, everyone was very happy, though if to compare to the other evenings, not much was changed- we were all talking & laughing like we were doing the whole tournament! The captain was a bit late. When he arrived, he approached me, and just shook my hand with a smile looking directly into my eyes.

The feeling was overwhelming; I remember it like it was yesterday… I felt like I was given the handshake for which I longed for so many years when remembering the man who taught me how to play chess- my grandfather.

This experience is priceless to me and all I can add is “Thank you, Spain!”.