Party for one

Midnight.

Hard rock spoiling my senses. It’s a party for one. ‘We live together, die alone’ comes to mind. There is nothing truer. At times it feels like we belong, living our day by day lives, fooling ourselves. Seeking for relief in people around isn’t the answer. No one will be able to tell you who you are and what’s your purpose. There might be a temporary solace you’ll delusion yourself into, but in the end, the answer will not come from outside.

There is a morning round deviously awaiting tomorrow. Yesterday I was thinking that the value of a game is only given by yourself and the way you look at it. There’s really nothing more to it.

I’d better go to bed, but this party feels just too good to abandon. It is a precious feeling- enjoying your own company, and I don’t want to lose it. Interestingly, we tend to feel good about ourselves when the ones surrounding us do. But we do die alone. I play Danzig’s ‘Mother’ song on repeat for the ‘n’ time.

It’s been over an hour since I have put down the light. The room is dark, and I notice that it doesn’t stop me from typing. No need for people for a party, no need of light for writing, no need for meaning to live. Is it the logical chain of thoughts? Pouring myself a glass of wine, I remember yesterday’s doping test I was subjected to. “Please take your underwear off, pull your dress up and turn around” wasn’t exactly the way I pictured my afternoon to develop.

The championship is yet to be decided. With two teams sharing the 1^stplace with perfect equality in all of the tie-breaks, tomorrow’s scores will determine the winner. One more title, or one less, there’s only one way to find out.

I’ve caught myself distancing from everything recently. What is this ‘everything’? People, worries, life. It is a relief. Interacting and blending in has never been easier, yet it feels completely meaningless. “Cherish it while it lasts!”, I seem to hear a voice in my head.

Why am I here? I don’t have an answer to this. I could be a fool, a clown, a role model, a champion or anything else. It could easily be for all of those to be true at the same time. It all depends on how you see the world. Nevertheless, the probability that you’re wrong tends to infinity.

Whoever you are, wherever you might be reading this from, please make sure to take a moment for yourself every once in a while. If this will lead you to a party for one, blame me and enjoy.

Stormy greetings and complains

Pulling the curtain aside, a stormy Black Sea greets me. A cyclone felt like visiting the Romanian League in Mamaia, sharing with us the delights of heavy wind and rain. As chess players are widely known for their lack of imagination when it comes to complaining, let me not fall out with this presumption. 

Settling comfortably in an armchair right next to the wide window, I deliberate on what to start with. They say this weather makes it impossible to sleep at nights as it is way too noisy. Well, I can’t really relate, as I cohabitate with a nice pair of noise cancelling headphones, occasionally having flings with random earplugs. And the alert the government kindly provided us with in the middle of the night (read: early morning in chess language)? There’s a reason my phone enters the airplane mode whenever I reach the heights of my 6^th floor room, closer to early evening (read: approaching midnight). Continuing the weather criticism- how not to fall victim to the meteorological blues under these circumstances? Unrelatable to me as well- just find a photo of me smiling or looking happy during a chess game. I’ll spare you the effort and just tell you- no such thing exists. Weather blues are just part of my natural state. 

What should I complain about next then? Let’s pick food. “Too salty, undiversified, not tasty.” With this I can relate, and I’d even add that the two minutes distance I must overcome every time I walk through wind, rain and gigantic puddles to the nearby pub are very hard to bear.

The "CSM Iasi 2020" team.

Should we take the playing hall next? “Too little space, too warm, too cold”. What can I say? There hardly was any playing hall which had ever fully satisfied me. It would take something shockingly bad for me to get annoyed.

No hot water on some floors, with the only offered solution being to let it run for 30 minutes before taking a shower. That’s not ideal indeed. I see a few ways of fixing it. First- try moving to another floor, second- challenge your inner fighter with a cold shower, third- find a friend with a room on a different floor, fourth- train those prophylactic skills and try estimating the time you’ll need hot water, fifth- if all these are not possible, don’t despair, you won’t be the first chess player skipping showers for a whole week.

What else might there be left to complain about? People! The hardship of living among like-minded souls can’t compare to anything else… You whine about making some inaccuracies on your way to winning against a lower rated opponent while your companion replies that they didn’t manage to win at all.

Let’s now touch the money subject. “I get peanuts for playing here.” To this I can only remark that if it was money you wanted to get in this life, perhaps a career in chess was not exactly indicated. Looking to the restless sea I take another sip from my sparkling water and let this thought sink.

Certain that I could continue this post, I think I’d rather stop now and get back to how I initially intended to spend my free day. The plan was to enrich myself with some Salinger dialogues while listening to the ‘Discover Weekly’ playlist. I actually managed to read two of his stories before feeling the urge to complain. For now, I can just say that those hardships I hinted at while at the ‘People’ paragraph include more interesting dialogues with like-minded friends than the ones I’ve been trying to enlighten myself with. Perhaps the best is yet to come. As about the ‘Discover Weekly’, I ended up with my ‘Classical’ playlist, though music isn’t something I’d like to add to this list of complains, for now.

Stormy greetings from the Romanian seaside and may you have a week full of something else than grumbling!

Before (!) game 1.