The Longing

The idea of this post came to me on a sleepless night, not long ago, while in Malaga. The day was good-
quality time spent with my family, a nice chess training session, a fulfilling jog followed by a tasty dinner, accompanied by a glass of Spanish sun packed in a bottle of dry red wine and a long walk along the dreamy seashore instead of dessert… Why can’t I fall asleep? I look at the restless curtain moving rhythmically against the opened window, and I feel the need to intervene. Getting up, I draw back the curtains and look into the night. The port looks quiet, but my thoughts are not. There is this intense feeling of longing. I open the window wider taking a deep breath and go back to bed while putting on my headphones. Is it a coincidence that I have recently felt the urge to create a new playlist called ‘dreamy’? Thankful for its existence, I lay back admiring the port while listening to Beth Hart’s ‘Your Heart Is As Black As Night’ and I wonder… What am I longing for?

When you think about this word- longing, you probably associate it with someone.  What can be more familiar than having your mind invaded by thoughts about a he or a she? But it’s not someone I’m missing, it is something. It’s a feeling I long for. Today, while running on the promenade, I felt power! It was so good to have the heart pumping like crazy while the salty air was ravaging through my lungs! I was thinking about how the chess training went and I was satisfied. While pushing for an extra mile, I admired the beautiful sealine and then was the moment when this longing slipped in. Adrenaline rushing, heart rate nearly indicating an emergency room should be my destination, but that immense feeling of power- it was worth it! There was a hospital along the way anyhow- another crazy tourist- they will solve it.

Then it struck me, the longing came after I felt the power. I knew I could take on the whole world and then I wanted it. I knew I could push the extra mile. I knew the world could be within my grasp and then I longed for it. There is the hypothetical ‘want’, the one which you answer to with “Is that what you would like?” and there’s the physical want, the one which keeps you awake at nights, the one which leaves you breathless, the one you feel in all your bones. Then it no longer is ‘wanting’, it is ‘longing’ and no questions can solve it. There isn’t such a doctor which will prescribe medicine for that. You’re doomed. Ah, that was me we’re talking about. Damn it- I’m doomed then.

I take another breath of salty air and close my eyes. Tomorrow is today. “Night for the lonely” starts playing in my headphones. There will be another push for an extra mile, another training session which will leave me incapable to produce any coherent thought, but I will feel- the longing… I will reach my destination, be it a hospital or a podium.

For now, I long…