The idea of this post came to me after listening to a
certain song on repeat on my way home from yet another tournament. One particular
verse hit me hard. It was nothing beautiful or metaphoric- just the brute force
of truth. Once really hearing it, my mind couldn’t stop. But let’s leave it for
the due time.
It all starts with the feeling of something not being right
when you look closely to someone. A distant, resigned, sad gaze, like they’re
floating in a different world. The blues, anaemia, some slight depression,
being fed up with work and routine- finding possible reasons couldn’t be
easier.
Then the unusual behaviour comes into equation. One flinch
here, one tremor there, one silent reply too many. You start wondering. However,
few of us are Sherlocks in real life- Watsons at best and that’s actually not
too bad. Some time passes and other signs slip- a missed coffee date here, a worrisome
voice during a call there, an accidental glimpse over a well-hidden bruise.
Even the not Watsons come to suspect the foul. But you don’t want to intrude.
If something is not said out loudly, if it’s not material then it’s not yet true.
However, you begin paying attention to the details more carefully. Perhaps you
even start feeling conflicted- ‘Should I try to help?’, ‘Could I live with
myself if something were to happen and I didn’t even try to do anything?’.
Abuse and abusers take different forms these days. And here
comes the verse: ‘I’ll fuck you till you love me’.
With every new time I listened to it, I thought of new
aspects of life it can apply to. Be it personal or work relationships, politics
or basically anything else it seems.
Games of power only have place between evenly matched,
consenting opponents. If one of the components is missing- that’s abuse.
Returning to that friend of yours. Why do they accept the
situation you may wonder? The answer will mostly be about some form of
dependence- be it emotional or material. Abusers are so good at making one believe
that they’re of such utmost importance that one can’t do without them. That
cousin convinces oneself that the situation they’ve come to find themselves in
is not so bad after all. They have a classmate who got it even worse.
‘I’ll fuck you till you love me.’
What if they do ask for help though? You remember the moment
when you found yourself in a similar situation and you do what you hope a
friend would do for you. You offer support. But what if you’re in some way
dependent on the abuser too? Let’s say you might lose your job and that could
hurt not only yourself but your family too. Would you then do the right thing
just to stand for your values no matter of the consequences?
The most dangerous abusers are those in high positions of
power. They thrive from inflicting fear.
You may tell yourself that after all, that classmate of
yours has closer friends who could help. Why should it be you risking your
livelihood? Perhaps you would do it was it your sister, daughter or mother asking
for help. But as it’s not, you will pity them, think or even say how unfair the
situation they find themselves in is. You would perhaps lose some sleep over it
and then you’ll eventually convince yourself that you’re better off caring for
your own interests.
But do you know what the problem is? An abuser will not
stop. Now they may seem to not touch you, they’re far away. However, the day
will come when they’ll move on to their next victim. Or their sons and
daughters will meet yours and tell them ’I’ll fuck you till you love me’. You
might not be around to help, and the only hope will be for some stranger to
feel their principles to be too strong to ignore them. Or not.
Sad is this world as I look at it now.
I realise I might not have the power to really help, but I
will continue calling out on the abusers in the hope that someone who can make a
difference might be reminded of their values.
Violence is never the answer. Neither is blissful ignorance.
Today I might have not spoken about your friend, your
cousin, that classmate, your country or you, but I might as well have of your
child’s or their children in a year, ten or twenty.
